Pieces
by WalkThisWorldAlone
Summary: The Host Club is falling apart. Hikaru and Tamaki are fighting over Haruhi. She thinks its all her fault. Things get messed up pretty quickly, pretty bad. Warning: Rated M for self-harm -may be triggering- , language, probably lime. R&R. HikaxHaruxTama.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I looked at the lilac ruffled dress on my body. It was made of silk, completely covered in ribbons and frills, and it was the softest piece of clothing I'd ever worn. _I wonder if Kyoya's adding this to my debt…_

Tamaki-Senpai was dancing around in his shining silver armour over in the far side of the room, twirling gaily with his eyes shut and singing a familiar song I'd heard him play on the piano the other day. _Maybe he should be the one wearing this dress?_ 'Uh… Senpai?' I called. He immediately stopped and rushed over to me at an incredible speed, his eyes still closed.

'Yes, my princess? Oh, sorry! I forgot the hat didn't I?' At that same speed, he dashed in and out of a nearby closet, coming out carrying what looked to be a matching lilac party hat with a silk ribbon trailing off the top. 'Here you go!'

'Uh… Senpai?'

'Yes, Haruhi?'

'What cosplay are we doing today?'

He gestured to my costume and grinned at me mischievously, 'Can't you tell? I'm the prince and you're the princess!'

'Oh.' _Great_…

'Hey, Boss! Why are you and Haruhi always the couple? I want a go!' Hikaru called, jokingly. Or at least, I assumed he was joking. He was one of my best friends and he hadn't mentioned anything to me since our date in Karuizawa.

'Well, Hikaru, that wouldn't be right at all now would it? You and Kaoru have your act to do, remember?' Tamaki called back, still cheerful as ever. But when I looked over I saw Hikaru sulking. Kaoru appeared to try and cheer him up but Hikaru ignored him. Poor Kaoru, he always had to deal with his brother's tantrums.

'Haruhi! I have great news! Kyoya managed to get the tower delivered for tomorrow. So, until then, we must practice!' Tamaki's bright blue eyes were shining at me.

'Practice for what?' I feared the worst.

'Our show, of course! Tomorrow all the lovely young ladies are going to watch our show and clap and cheer and have a great time!' He was clapping himself right there. I wonder what the others made of this… idea? I'd have thought the twins would be in heaven, but Hikaru was still sulking. Honey and Mori were practicing their parts: Honey a rabbit and Mori a tree. _Wow, didn't see that one coming._ The twins both made up one dragon. Oh I hope we don't use real fire…

'Haruhi! These are your lines, look after them! I can't wait to perform it, can you?'

'Actually, I _can_ wait.'

He didn't take notice of me. 'Just think – tomorrow I'll be talking to rabbits, slaying dragons and rescuing my beautiful princess!' He glanced at me playfully, 'You know that's you, right?'

I didn't know what to say to that, but I didn't have to. As soon as the words left his lips, there was a huge crash from the opposite end of the room. Everyone, even Kyoya who had stilled his typing fingers, looked over in the twins' direction at the overturned table. Both were standing but wore very different expressions. Kaoru's face was in shock, arms protectively in front of him as he watched his brother, almost afraid of him. I couldn't blame him; Hikaru's face was one of pure anger and annoyance.

'It's always you, isn't it?' He spoke in a voice that didn't belong to him. The actual volume was barely above a whisper, but it had a roughness to it we'd never heard before.

'Hikaru…' Kaoru whispered, eyes wide.

Hikaru was looking at Tamaki, 'Just because you're my friend, that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up to you.' Hikaru walked out of the third music room, head down, eyes not meeting ours. Tamaki was gobsmacked, I never thought it would be possible to render him speechless.

'What's wrong with Hika-chan?' Honey asked innocently.

When Hikaru had his tantrums, now would be the time when Kaoru chased after him and made him feel better, but Kaoru didn't move. He just stared at the door his brother had closed behind him. Even Kyoya looked weary. Seeing as everyone else had supposedly forgotten how to work their legs, I calmly walked to the door in search of Hikaru.

Tamaki grabbed my wrist and spoke softly, 'I don't think he's in a good state of mind.'

Wordlessly, I shook his hand off. Hikaru was our friend, why was everyone frozen like this? I left the room through the same door and immediately found him. Hikaru had his hands pulling his orange hair and his forehead resting on the pink wall of the hallway. When I the door shut behind me with a gentle click he turned around and immediately reposed.

'Oh, Haruhi, what's up?' He said casually.

'Are you okay?' I simply asked. I wasn't usually good with confrontation but hey, Hikaru was my friend and this is what friends did.

He laughed. 'Yeah, you know me; I have a short temper – no big deal.' Well that was a relief. I didn't know what he meant by his words, or what was bugging him, but I'm sure it wasn't any of my business so I left it at that.

'You want to help me with our class project? I was going to do it by myself but… you and Kaoru can join me. Not that it's not fun learning Tamaki's lines…' I smiled at him and he smiled back. I loved to see Hikaru happy.

He hugged me tightly and buried his face in my hair. I heard him smell it before he sighed and said, 'Thanks, Haruhi.' I hugged him back and we stayed like that for a moment, not wanting to move. I was the one to release him, then we made our way back inside.

* * *

_**Tamaki**_

'No, Honey-Senpai! Bunnies do _not_ hop like that! Try again!' This play was really testing my patience, and my brain. But it was all worth it; Haruhi was going to be my princess and we'd put on a great performance for everyone! Plays are always fun, right?

Speaking of her, she and Hikaru returned and he seemed to be calm again. Actually, he seemed to be more than calm, he had a huge smile on his face. _'Just because you're my friend, that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up to you.'_ His words were so cold, so harsh, and they were definitely directed at me. But what did he mean? I wouldn't want to force him into being in the play if it bothered him that much…

Hikaru sat down at Kaoru's, now righted, table whilst Haruhi got some books out of her backpack. She laid them out on the table in that delicate way of hers and appeared to give instructions to the twins. I thought it was a nice picture: the three of them together, working on a project, laughing, smiling. Then Haruhi was having trouble cutting something and Hikaru placed his hands over hers to help her. That would've been completely fine, until he looked back at me, wait, glared back at me. What? I didn't understand what he was doing until he wrapped his arm round Haruhi's waist.

He can't do that! She's mine! Haruhi just laughed it off and playfully pushed his arm away so he hugged her shoulders instead. Then he looked at me again. _What the heck? _Sure we weren't officially together but… still! We were going to have our first kiss then get married then have children – it was all planned in my head! Was he claiming her as his? _'…That doesn't mean I'm just going to give up to you.'_

'That bastard!' Whoops; didn't mean to say that out loud. Thankfully, No one noticed.

'You know, Tamaki, you should keep language like that to yourself.'

'GAAHH! Kyoya, don't sneak up on me like that!' Damn it, there was nothing getting past that guy!

He followed my line of sight, 'Calm down, Tamaki. Everyone knows you and Haruhi are an item, Hikaru just gets pissed when he can't have what he wants.'

'What? I am calm!' And what about _his_ language? 'Besides…' I said seriously, 'Hikaru wouldn't do anything… right?'

'You never know with him, one minute he can be the happiest person on earth, then the next he could be violent, evil, aggressive…'

I gasped. Hikaru did have a very bad temper. 'I must warn Haruhi!'

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

The twins didn't really help with my project; I should have known they would slack off. Oh well, at least Hikaru seemed happier, teasing me and Kaoru. Now I just have to do all the work at home. I hope dad doesn't disturb me too much. _I wonder if we have enough leftovers in the fridge for dinner tonight…?_

Everyone had left the Host Club for the day so I was packing up my things when Tamaki came and stood next to me. 'Uh, what is it, Senpai?'

'Haruhi.'

I would've carried on packing my things into my backpack but his tone startled me. It was so serious I looked around to see if someone else had spoken instead.

'Haruhi, look at me.'

I looked at him.

He took my both my hands in his. 'Haruhi, there's something I need to warn you about.' When I didn't answer he carried on, 'It's Hikaru. I think he's trying to… err…'

'What, Senpai?' Maybe Tamaki understood Hikaru's weird behaviour today.

'He's trying to take you away from me! So you have to be very careful, okay? I know Hikaru and he doesn't always play fair…'

'Hold on, what?' Where was this coming from? Is he still talking about the play?

'Haruhi just listen. What did he say to you when you two were out in the hall? Why was he holding your waist like that?'

'Like what?' I hadn't even noticed. 'Senpai, I don't understand…'

'I can see his intentions…' His face looked disgusted. It didn't suit Tamaki's angelic face at all. What was going on, why was everyone being weird today?

'Um…'

'That Hikaru needs to back off!' He shouted that at me. Tamaki. Shouting. At me. The last time he shouted at me was that incident at the beach when he saved me.

My confusion turned into annoyance. 'Hey, he was really upset today! What have you suddenly got against Hikaru?'

'I told you! He's taking you from me!'

'I don't belong to you anyway!'

Tamaki actually flinched. Was that a little too harsh? Well it was the truth. I wasn't technically his girlfriend, or his sister, and he'd by now grown out of that 'daughter/daddy' act. He was one of my best friends, since when did he decide I was his property? I needed to get home. My class project was due in tomorrow, and dinner needed to be made. This play performance nonsense had put me behind schedule.

'Bye, Senpai.' I turned without looking at him and left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I didn't look at the scenery whilst I was walking, I was too busy thinking over me and Tamaki's conversation, so I was surprised when my legs stopped moving and I was stood at my front door. I unlocked it but was snapped out of my autopilot mode when I suddenly slammed it behind me, making the whole room shake. I was too busy to be surprised at my action though. I threw my blue blazer off immediately and got out cooking utensils to prepare tonight's meal. What was I going to make again? _Damn it! He's made me forget, now!_ Oh well, we can just have Ramen Noodles again.

_But we had Ramen Noodles last night!_ My conscience told me. _Yes, I know, but that idiot has completely messed my brain up._ I answered back in my head. Great, now I was having conversations with myself. I got some vegetables out and a knife and started chopping them harder than needed, making significant marks on the chopping board. Soon enough my board was covered with a pale green mush, allowing my knife to cut right through it. I was still violently stabbing the board until my vision was completely blurred from the tears welling up in my eyes. I let go of the knife, which was stuck upright on the chopping board from being pushed in too far, and quickly wiped my tears away with my sleeve in case they dropped into the food. I assumed I was crying from my argument with Tamaki; we _never_ argued.

Well, not seriously.

* * *

_**Tamaki**_

Was that banging I heard in there?

I smelled the delicate baby-pink coloured flowers for the third time, though they looked a deep purple this night. Would she find the smell overpowering in her small home? I made sure to get a cheaper bouquet than one I'd usually buy, in case she thought I was flaunting my obvious wealth. Yes, the smell is definitely okay. I wanted to bathe in it; it was so sweet, yet subtle. I was wearing a plain button up shirt and some navy pants. Was I too formal? After all, I was only dropping off flowers, though I did have a meeting to go to afterwards. I'd have to make this quick.

I knocked a cheerful rhythm onto her door. There was a pause before she opened it. She opened it just a small way and her little face peeked out from the side. As soon as she saw it was me, she opened the door fully.

'Ta… Tamaki-Senpai?' She sniffled.

Her eyes were unusually red and shining. Had she been crying? She looked both startled and relieved to see me. Surely I hadn't made her that upset…

I hugged her and cupped her head against my chest, bending my head down to smell her soft, lavender hair. I saw a single tear roll down her cheek. I held her harder. She gripped the back of my shirt. Why was she crying? Was it my fault?

_I made Haruhi cry…_

The thought dismayed me. 'I'm so sorry, Haruhi.'

She detached from me, apparently remembering I'd just arrived at her apartment. 'Oh, no, Senpai. It's alright. I'm sorry too. Uh… would you like a drink?'

I smiled at her warmly. 'No, I don't want you going to any trouble. Here, these are for you.' I held forward the flowers.

'Thank you. They're beautiful.' She took them in both hands and buried her face in them, it telling me that she, too, loved the smell. 'And really, would you like some tea?' She said while she walked to her kitchen to find a vase, filled it with tap water and put the flowers in. Huh, what's that knife doing?

'No, it's alright, Haruhi. Actually, I have to be going. I have a meeting with my father and a few of his colleagues.'

She looked disappointed, but tried to hide it. 'Oh okay, well, thanks for the flowers, Senpai. I suppose it's getting late anyway.' As if to prove that she rubbed her eyes. She was too cute! I bent down to hug her again but instead I pecked her on the cheek.

I… didn't mean to do that. She looked at me wide eyed but not offended. I must have looked surprised too because her face didn't change after a moment. Her cheek was so soft on my lips… I smiled softly at her again and this time kissed her tenderly on her lips. They were even softer, if it was possible. I fought the urge to wrap my arms around her and take her away with me, and it was that much harder to resist when Haruhi wrapped her arms round _me_. _Was this a hint…? No, Tamaki. You mustn't think inappropriate thoughts!_ She gently pulled away from my lips and buried her head in the hollow of my neck. Please… Can't we stay like this forever?

I glanced at my watch and Haruhi must've seen me. Apparently, we couldn't.

'Oh, Senpai! I'm so sorry, you're going to be late!' She looked genuinely worried for me. _Waaah, too cute! Why did I have to wear a watch today?_

'Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me. Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then.' I wanted to see her tonight. I wanted to see her now.

'Yes. Good luck with your meeting.' She smiled at me.

'Thank you.' I opened her front door to let myself out and stopped.

There on her doorstep was Hikaru, one fisted hand held up as if about to knock. My good mood instantly drained at the sight of him. But why? We were still friends, right?

'Tamaki.' His tone implied otherwise. And he didn't call me 'boss'.

'Hikaru.' I replied, mirroring his tone.

He just stood there in the doorway, not making any effort to move, and looked at Haruhi, completely ignoring me. I looked back at Haruhi who didn't seem to sense any tension so I slid past Hikaru and left. Or rather, I walked a few metres down the path, rounded a corner and eavesdropped.

'So, uh, what's up, Hikaru? You want to come in?'

He laughed. 'No, it's quite alright. I just wanted to… uh… apologise for not helping you with your project today.' What? If that bastard didn't help her with her project, what were they doing all that time?

'Oh, it's okay. I've nearly finished it anyway.' Huh. At least I thought to bring flowers. And I got a hug. I peeked round the corner for a second – yep; no hug for Hikaru! But then his eyes darted to me. Just a quick glance, one that Haruhi wouldn't notice. It was the same glance he'd given me at the Host Club earlier today. I still couldn't work out what those eyes meant for me.

'No, I want to make it up to you. Will… will you go on a date with me, Haruhi? I was thinking we go to Karuizawa again. You know, like last time? We could get ice cream, that is… if you would like to?'

He was putting on his 'shy, innocent boy' act. It disgusted me. Damn it, I should have asked her on a date! Surely she'd say no though… after our kiss… that kiss…

'I'd love to go.' _What? _But how could she? After we just… THAT HIKARU! I bet he put on his puppy dog eyes as well, his face practically begging her. I looked at my watch; I was already late for my meeting. Oh well, there were more pressing issues to deal with than some stupid company meeting! And where was Haruhi's dad? Surely he could put an end to this madness!

'Great! I'll walk you home from school tomorrow so you can get dressed and then we can go! That sound alright?'

'Sure. See you tomorrow, Hikaru.'

'See you tomorrow, Haruhi.'

The door shut._ Shit!_ He was walking this way. It was too late to sprint in some random direction, I didn't have a disguise, and there were no bushes to jump into! So I calmed down, put on my charming face and prepared to face him. He continued down the path without sparing me as much as a glance. But he'd definitely seen me - he'd looked right at me. As he walked on and disappeared round a corner, I swear I heard him chuckling to himself.

I knew what those eyes meant: competition.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

'A chopping board?' Hikaru asked, apparently amused by my shopping request.

'Yes.'

'Why? That's so random.'

'Not when you need one.' I tried not to think of the reason why I needed one. I wanted to enjoy this evening out with Hikaru, especially after the usually hectic day at the Host Club. The small streets and market stalls of Karuizawa looked exactly the same as the last time we were here, though this time I was just wearing a simple pink striped t-shirt, blue denim skirt, white knee-high socks and trainers. The only hair accessory I wore was a few clips in my fringe.

'Hey! There's that ice cream place! Want one, Haruhi?'

'Yes please' I smiled. The sun was shining and I was having fun. Hikaru got two plain vanilla ice cream cones from the stall and studied the two of them, seeing which held more ice cream, before handing the smaller one to me. I looked at him questioningly.

'What?' He shrugged, 'I thought girls were always cautious about their weight. You should be thanking me for looking after you like this.'

'Thank you, Hikaru. But if I get hungry later, I'm finding more food.' I joked.

Hikaru's face turned surprisingly serious, 'Not without telling me first. No way am I leaving you like last time.' Thankfully, then his face lightened, 'I must stick by Haruhi's side at all times!'

Suddenly, Tamaki's words entered my mind. _'He's trying to take you away from me! So you have to be very careful, okay?' _What was there to be careful of? I was safe with Hikaru at my side; I just needed to make sure we stuck together. But the two of them last night… they were so hostile towards each other… was something going on between them?

'Yo, earth to Haruhi? Your ice cream's dripping everywhere. If you're not careful, I'll end up eating it myself. What's on your mind?'

I licked up my ice cream so it didn't drip on my clothes. 'Nothing really, just thinking of something Senpai said.'

He crushed his ice cream cone in his newly formed fist. 'What did he say?' He spoke in a tone that reminded me of his tantrum yesterday. But was it really a tantrum? Maybe something's bothering him. I wished I hadn't of brought it up now, but he was looking at me with those eyes…

I tried to stay casual and giggled as I spoke, 'Oh nothing, just some nonsense about how you're 'taking me away from him'. Not that I ever 'belonged' to him anyway, but you know how he is. Anyway… you want me to buy you another ice cream? Because that one's kind of… erm…'

I giggled some more and pointed to Hikaru's excuse for an ice cream. He didn't laugh with me. Instead, he let go of his ice cream completely, allowing it to fall to the floor. It only just missed his shoe. 'Haruhi… I'm not… I mean I'm… I want…

I love you.'

I was speechless. Any other time I would have made a joke like 'then why did you give me the smaller ice cream?' or 'Okay then you can buy me my chopping board.' But his face… his face was so serious. Serious faces didn't suit Hikaru either. He was always so relaxed and mischievous and…

He loved me?

'Er… Hikaru I… don't know what to say.' What was there _to_ say?

He put his finger to my lips. 'Don't say anything.' Then he took my hand and started running. My ice cream flew out my hand. I wasn't scared, or worried – only confused. I didn't quite understand what was happening. He was pounding down the street into some woods with me flailing behind him. I was definitely not built to run. He rushed me inside a small building with lots of seats. And an altar. A church?

I took in my new surroundings as I bent over and caught my breath. Yes, we were in a church.

_The church._

I'd only just resumed my normal breathing rate when Hikaru took my hands in his._ Well this was familiar…_

'Haruhi. I love you.'

Oh. We're back to this.

'I want to be with you.'

My confusion grew. I just stared at him. 'But… you are with me.'

Then he laughed, and it sounded genuine with only a hint of desperation. 'Yes. But I also want to be with you tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.'

More dates? That would kind of screw up my schedules… 'Hikaru… I love you too but…' _not in the way you're referring to…_

I couldn't finish my sentence. He kissed my lips. He wasn't as gentle as Tamaki, not as timid._ Oh great, now I was comparing kisses. _I could feel his confidence – this was what he wanted. What he's been wanting for so long. I couldn't help but kiss him back as I wrapped my arms over his shoulders, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. I wanted him to be happy. He must have taken that as some sort of sign as he grabbed my waist and picked me up. I felt my feet completely leave the floor before he laid me down on one of the wooden benches, hands still at my waist. He pulled my shoes off and was running his hand through my hair, making my clips a lost cause. Suddenly my hands emptied and I was grabbing skin instead. In my peripheral vision I saw his shirt strewn across the floor. _Did he do that or did I? _His kisses grew with strength until I knew I wouldn't be able to pull back. He started kissing my neck, then my collar bone, then back to my lips. His lips were so soft, and he tasted so good.

_Hikaru… tasted good…_

This had to be wrong. I was making out – Oh God, I was _making out_ – in a church, with one of my best friends. With Hikaru, who only moments ago, though it felt like years since then, told me he loved me. And I loved him, but as a friend only. Or was it more than that? I don't know - it's so hard to think and kiss at the same time.

I felt his hands raise my shirt, just enough to reveal the bottom of my bra. His hands tried to shimmy my skirt down a little, but it stopped at my waist and would not go any further unless he undid the button.

That's when alarm bells went off. I kissed Tamaki yesterday – did that mean anything to me? Did it mean nothing? Oh God… _Tamaki_… what would he do if he saw me like this? What would he think of me? No, I had to stop, before this went any further. Hikaru kissed my neck and collarbone again. He kissed my exposed stomach before returning to my lips. _He felt so soft…_

One of his hands went up the back of my shirt to my bra clasp. _Oh no... Don't tempt me…_

'Mmm… Hikaru…' It was hard to talk with his mouth on mine. I wasn't sure if he regarded my comment as a sound of hesitation or pleasure.

'Yes, Haruhi…' The way he breathed my name indicated he took it as the latter.

'Hikaru… No…' I'd meant for it to sound forceful but completely failed. My voice was as smooth as his, so I put my hand on his arm – the one that was fumbling behind my back.

He got the message that time but wasn't fazed by it. 'Okay, I won't go there…' He moved the hand to my thigh instead.

_Oh God… His hand was moving up…_

I was so weak; each time he kissed me was like the first. I touched his arm again, being careful not to make a stroking motion in case it urged him on.

'…Stop…'

He moved his hand once more, this time tangling it in my hair.

'Hikaru… Enough…'

'Just a little more…' He sounded hungry.

I jerked my head sideways so he couldn't reach my lips, but he just kissed my ear. Then he was biting it. He was kissing down my neck again…

I felt his chest with both my hands. _Oh, did his chest feel good… _I could feel his muscles moving. _I wanted to move with him…_

I pushed him.

He pushed back. Did he think I was teasing him? I wanted him to stop. _What if Tamaki found out…? What if he thought I was heartless…? What if he never spoke to me again…?_ I knew Hikaru wouldn't hurt me, but I wasn't so sure about Tamaki…

I pushed harder but I was nowhere near strong enough. He'd wrapped my legs around his waist and rested them on his hip bone so I couldn't move them. I didn't know what to do, the moment was gone, I wanted the old Hikaru back, I wanted to go home.

As soon as there was a pause in his shower of kisses, I covered my face with both of my hands. For a moment I thought he was just going to kiss them and carry on but he'd stopped.

'What's wrong, Haruhi?' His voice sounded concerned all of a sudden.

'That's enough… Hikaru…' My voice was small, and it was muffled by my hands so I wasn't sure he'd heard me.

'Sorry Haruhi… I guess I got a little carried away…' His voice carried a playful smile. He didn't seem to be ashamed of himself; he said it as if it were meant to be a compliment to me.

I felt his hands smooth down my messed up hair. Only now was I starting to feel the embarrassment at what I'd done. I released my hands from my face to pull down my shirt but all I saw was a blurry swarm of pale skin and orange hair. My hands were wet.

'Haruhi…' He said, shock entering his voice. 'What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Oh God no, please no…' I wiped my eyes to clear my vision. He seemed to be checking my arms and legs for any bruises.

Suddenly, a huge bang sounded from the other entrance of the church. Me and Hikaru violently flinched and he nearly toppled onto me.

'Tamaki?' I asked, still in my small voice, not believing the red fury that engulfed his face and body language. He was standing in the doorway of the church, both arms still outstretched from slamming the doors open, and had an evil look in his eyes.

He was looking at Hikaru.

_Oh God… what had I done?_

* * *

_**Hikaru**_

'Hikaru.' He spat. I was still crouched over Haruhi protectively and wouldn't move an inch unless I had to. Tamaki was pissing me off.

'What are you doing here, _boss_?' I mocked him with squinted eyes, though I couldn't say I was surprised to see him; I practically told him what was going to happen. I looked around for the windows – they held no curtains. _He would have seen everything_, I thought. _Well good then, serves the bastard right._

Haruhi didn't attempt stop her tears this time and let them flow freely, rolling down her flushed cheeks and onto her ears. I looked at her regretfully. I doubted it was me who made her cry, for all I know it was probably Tamaki himself.

He was coming towards us now, but I didn't move from over her. Tamaki had never, ever been remotely aggressive, so I didn't know what to expect. 'Hikaru. What do you think you are doing?' He spoke slowly and every word was stressed as if he was controlling himself from ripping my heart out.

Though I didn't want to leave Haruhi's side, I casually stood up to face him, showing no fear, 'I could ask you the same thing.'

As soon as the words left my lips, Tamaki forcefully grabbed my shoulders and pressed his face so close to mine I could taste his hot breath.

'You made her cry…' he spoke in the same tone. 'WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?' He absolutely shouted it in my face, his voice echoing from every corner of the church, his nails digging into my naked skin. _Probably_ _should have put my shirt back on… _I glanced at Haruhi – she looked scared. This bastard was scaring her.

'I don't think I'm the one scaring her, _boss_.' I mocked him again, my voice straining to stay calm. If anyone was going to lose their temper, it was me.

'Don't give me that crap. You forced yourself on her and I know it. God knows what would have happened if I hadn't walked in…' Wow, I never heard such language from Tamaki. This guy was finally growing a pair.

'What kind of monster do you think I am? I stopped when she said to so don't try to put anything on me.' And I would hardly call it 'walking' in.

He laughed moronically. 'I don't have to, I saw everything.'

'Pervert.' I was taking the piss and he knew it - it infuriated him. 'At least I'm making an effort.'

'Oh, don't _even_ go there. You call this making an effort? I call it attempted ra-'

I pushed him. Hard. The amount of force was slightly weakened by the fact he previously had a good grip on my shoulders, but he still hit the wall on the opposite side of the church. Too bad he didn't meet the floor, though.

When he regained himself and met my eyes, I wasn't looking at a friend. I wasn't looking at the man who'd opened up the world to me. I was looking at someone who was getting in the way of my happiness in life.

Lost in my thoughts, I was surprised when he ran forward to me, again pushing my shoulders but this time not stopping until I, too, hit the wall. Tamaki was older, bigger, and probably stronger than me, and he was easily pinning me against the stone wall. I hated that.

'You shouldn't do that, Hikaru. I don't want to fight you. But I also can't let you take Haruhi away from me.'

'We'll see about that, you bastard. How long do you think I've been waiting for this, huh?' I got his attention, 'it kills me to wake up everyday and always have to be second place to you: a guy that can't even figure out his feelings. I thought I'd never had a chance with her.'

'You never will.'

That did it. His words opened up some strength in me and I took his hands off me. Because I caught him off guard and he was still pushing, I rolled out the way so he could slam into the wall all by himself. He didn't though, to my disappointment, he just rebounded and ended up standing to face me. We circled each other like animals. I wanted my fist to feel his face.

But when Haruhi's bench came into view I stopped. She wasn't there. Tamaki followed my gaze and stopped too. How long had she been gone? _How much had she seen?_

I panicked when the sky suddenly darkened, as if reflecting my mood, and large rain drops started to fall. _Please, please don't let there be a thunderstorm…_ I prayed. It probably wouldn't do any good though, seeing as I'd just been fighting with my best friend in a church.

Tamaki's chest was rising and falling rapidly as he looked back at me from the doorway. When did he decide to leave? He wasn't angry anymore though; his expression was pained, remorseful. His head hung low as he walked out of sight.

* * *

_**A/N: Just want to say thanks for the reviews so far - wow! They make me so happy, hehe :D**_


	4. Chapter 4

**WARNING: Contains minor graphic self-harm. May be triggering.**

**Chapter Four**

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I was numb on the way home in the taxi. The fare had completely emptied my wallet, but it wasn't like I could go home with Hikaru. Not after that.

'_WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER? ...You forced yourself on her and I know it… I call it attempted ra-'_

His words rang in my mind, even now whilst I ran to the safety of my apartment as the sky darkened to a horrible grey. I hoped that Dad wouldn't be home, but at the same time I hoped he would be.

'…_I don't have to, I saw everything…'_

Tamaki saw everything. Tamaki was angry… at _me_. Why the heck did I just decide to lose myself like that? I couldn't stop the tears falling down my face, and my body heaved with each sob. I thought I was going to throw up.

When I got inside I found that Dad wasn't home. I threw my clothes onto the bed and dressed in the comfort of my pyjamas. _There's going to be thunder…_ I thought. I gathered up the blankets on my bed and wrapped them round me, taking them wherever I went just in case.

I went into the living room to watch TV, hoping to distract myself when I saw the knife sticking upright. I wasn't surprised that Dad hadn't put it away, or even asked me this morning why it was stuck like that. Though it appeared he'd eaten the vegetable mush I'd made, as it was absent from the board, the only evidence being a few traces of pale green slime.

Reluctantly I pulled the knife out, which took a lot of effort, but dropped it when a crash of thunder pounded through the apartment. It clattered to the floor and I fell with it, immediately scrambling under the sheets so I at least wouldn't see the deathly flash that always followed.

I was grateful that the storm only began once I was inside my house and not whilst I was running outside in the rain, but that didn't make each tremor any less terrifying. The tears hadn't stopped since I'd walked through the door, and from the dampness of my face I knew the thunder was only making it worse.

_You're weak…_ My conscience told me. It told me every single time this happened. Having a fear of thunder at the age of fifteen wasn't something I was proud of.

_You didn't defend Hikaru because you were so weak…_

_Hikaru…_

Tamaki accused him of… something very bad. Something I didn't even want to say in my head. But my mind was right; I didn't defend him when Tamaki accused him. I just laid there on the bench, watching the two of them argue… then _fight_.

_All because of me. All because I didn't stand up for Hikaru. All because I got carried away with him in the first place._

It was all my fault. I'd made my two best friends turn against each other. _'You forced yourself on her and I know it…'_ No, Tamaki, Hikaru didn't force himself on me, he wasn't to blame – I was. Then why didn't I tell him that? I could have prevented them fighting.

'_You call this making an effort? I call it attempted ra-'_ I knew what he was going to say, but I ran out of the building before he could say it, I didn't want to hear such a word. Why did he even have to show up like that?

'… _I saw everything.'_

I cried harder, screaming my cries. My throat was killing me. My chest ached like nothing I'd ever felt before. I couldn't stop. I _wouldn't_ stop – I deserved this. Tamaki hated me. Hikaru probably wouldn't speak to me either after running out on him like that. What if I'd just ruined all our friendships?

No one had ever, ever made Tamaki so angry like that. Not even the twins' antics, though it was hard to think of the twins as one unit, now. Kaoru was Kaoru, and Hikaru was the guy I made out with in front of the guy I'm probably supposed to be with. Seeing him standing in the doorway was on a continuous loop in my mind. My screams intensified.

Tamaki's fury was forever carved into my mind and soul.

I didn't hear the thunder anymore, though I didn't know if it was still there or not. I was startled when I felt something hard and cold under myself - the knife. I must've crouched directly over it when I formed my little tent. I reached for it but got the wrong end and it pricked my finger. Though it was definitely dark under my covers, I could see the drop of black liquid trickle down my index finger and stared at it with fascination. I didn't feel the pain.

I didn't feel anything but the guilt eating up my conscience, telling me over and over again that I'd messed up the people that mattered most to me.

I threw up my blankets in exasperation, not caring where they landed and, still sat on the floor, pushed myself into one of the kitchen counters and my head struck against a drawer handle.

I still didn't feel the pain. I was numb.

Without thinking I hurriedly picked up the knife and gritted my teeth before throwing my head backwards a few more times.

I was wild. The room wasn't upright. The sharpness of the blade I held in my right hand was blurred with yet more tears. I tasted the salt where they met my mouth. I silenced. I stopped everything and focused on the knife in my hand. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them in the foetal position. Perching my head on my knees brought it close to the weapon I clutched.

I turned my hand a few times, just watching the blade reflect the light and thought how beautiful it was. I was focused entirely on the knife when the tip made contact with the outside of my left arm. Slowly, savouring every second of it, I moved my arm outwards allowing the blade to caress me. At first there was no mark at all, and I wondered if I had imagined it, but then a thin line of red about two inches long illustrated the knife's path. It was a brilliant red, not one that owned a fancy name on a paint tube, just pure red. It satisfied me.

I did it twice again, this time firmer, with more confidence. The blade was cool against my skin, and that was all I felt. Some small, insignificant part of me told me that this should be hurting. But I was already hurting, so what did it matter?

Again and again I saw the red rise out of my arm as if I was summoning it. I felt so in control right then, not like earlier when I'd let myself loose. Enough of it gathered together to form a large delightful drop and it fell, wrapping around my arm before it detached from me to land on my foot. Tilting my arm as I'd done the knife, I watched the red reflect the light and it was so beautiful I cried. Or maybe I cried for another reason, I don't know. Crying suddenly felt good. I felt good. I was calm now.

Then panic hit me when the blood wouldn't stop. It was falling like my tears. I started shaking and threw the knife in front of me. It clanged against some wall. My blood was staining my pyjama trousers so I instantly stood, as if somehow the sudden jolt would wipe them clean. As I stood though, my vision swarmed with grey dots and my hip struck the kitchen counter. I tried to steady myself but one of my arms was so weak I could barely move it. Using the other one to steady me, I limped into the bathroom.

I desperately avoided the mirror, afraid of what horror I'd find as I turned the cold water tap on with my right hand. I hesitantly stuck my left arm under it, wincing at the sharp, sudden sting it gave me. I watched my blood spiral down the sink until the water was clear again. I wrapped toilet roll around my arm and then went to wash my face. Thankfully, when I looked up all I saw was the dripping face I saw every morning when I washed.

I found our first aid kit and, carefully removing the makeshift bandage from my arm, I stuck plasters on me, though it took some time because I was still trembling. I stripped myself of my stained clothes, gathered up my strewn covers and switched every single light off.

I crawled into bed, alone in my darkness.

I thought of nothing as I cried myself to sleep.

* * *

_**A/N: I know self-harm can be a sensitive issue for some people so I hope this didn't upset anyone (I did warn you), though it wasn't too graphic in this chapter. If you want to talk about SH, feel free to PM me anytime :)**_

_**P.S. THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEWS I love you guys!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I didn't have breakfast that morning.

I never skipped breakfast.

Dad was sceptical as to why I didn't eat, and reminded me that I could tell him anything, anytime. He told me that same thing every time I appeared upset, and it was one of the very few times he put his serious face on. But this time was different, this time I didn't even attempt to smile and tell him everything was alright, this time I just told him to go; there was no need to burden him.

After he'd left for work, I'd looked around on my hands and knees in the living room and found the knife under the table. Seeing it again brought my memory back. An unfamiliar urge spread throughout my body, and I was almost tingling with the thoughts of last night re-entering my mind.

I cleaned it and put it away.

* * *

_**Tamaki**_

Haruhi was late to the host club.

She was never late.

For a minute I thought she was going to skip school completely, but then her large brown eyes peeked through the heavy doors and she cautiously walked in. Not surprisingly, she didn't look right. She wasn't in her usual cute, sarcastic Haruhi mood.

I wanted to ask her how she was. I wanted to hold her - tell her that if she ever cried again it would be in my arms.

_My_ arms. Not his.

He and Kaoru were on the opposite side of the room practicing for our play, though Kaoru's frustration clearly showed that his brother was distracted. His yellow eyes glared at me constantly.

I'd almost hoped that Hikaru would walk in with his usual playful attitude and make some joke about yesterday, but my common sense knew he wouldn't. I was truly ashamed of my actions yesterday, and if he'd just apologise to me, maybe we could forget the whole thing.

But I couldn't get the images out of my head – my worst nightmares come true. Haruhi with someone else, like _that_. That someone else running their hands all over her body, pulling her shirt up, kissing her forcefully, making her cry.

_I made Haruhi cry…_

'_I don't think I'm the one scaring her, boss.'_

Was Haruhi afraid of me? Was I being just as forceful as Hikaru?

No, no _way_ could I compare myself to that bastard.

'Tamaki-Senpai? What's wrong? You have a very upset look on your face.'

Some girl's voice brought me back to the world I'd always found so comfortable, where I was a host and everyone was happy. It was a distant memory now.

'I was just thinking of how little time we spend together, my princess. We really must change that.' It was so hard to make my voice soothing like it usually was, but it worked – she didn't see any difference, whoever she was.

'Oh, Tamaki-Senpai!'

'Yeah, sucks doesn't it?' Already I didn't even bother anymore. There go his yellow eyes again. I mean, I know I'm attractive but… really? Clearly we weren't on speaking terms but glaring is just so childish. I hope I wasn't subconsciously doing it too.

Somewhere I heard a gasp. Oh, it was the girl in front of me.

'Tamaki… Senpai? Are you okay?'

'Oh yes! Couldn't be better!' I exclaimed sarcastically, and then muttered 'For goodness sake…' I was irritated and didn't even know why. Haruhi was upset, and I didn't know why. I should've probably retreated to my corner of darkness, but I wasn't in that kind of mood. This was a whole new mood I'd never felt before. It felt dangerous, and I liked it.

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I saw a girl nearly in tears leave Tamaki's table. Shouldn't he be comforting her? He didn't seem to know she existed.

_Oh crap, have I really made things this bad?_

'Hika-chan, have some cake! It'll make you happy again! I like Hika-chan better when he's happy…' Honey-Senpai was offering Hikaru a large, pink, fluffy slice of cake. It looked delicious. But Hikaru didn't acknowledge his existence either. He was too busy glaring in Tamaki's direction.

_This is really bad…_

Kaoru was desperately trying to snap Hikaru out of whatever he was in, and was asking him to go through some lines with him, but he wouldn't listen. Kaoru looked like he was about to cry. I was expecting his brother to cup his chin and tell him something like 'Oh Kaoru, you're so cute when you cry…' but he didn't. He just sat there. Glaring. At Tamaki.

Their clients didn't seem to know what to do, so instead of sitting awkwardly at the Hitachiin table, they got up and left. _Poor Kaoru… Now I'm making _him_ upset…_

'Haruhi, look, I made these cookies for you! Would you like one?'

'No thanks.' I didn't even know who I was responding to.

'But… I made them especially… for you…'

'I said _no thank_s.'

'Oh… okay.'

'I'm sorry miss; Haruhi isn't feeling very well today. Please excuse him.' I recognised Kyoya's voice.

He tapped me on my head with his clipboard. 'What was that for?' I sounded very annoyed.

So did he, 'You just lost your fourth client in the last five minutes. I hope you haven't forgotten that you still have a debt to pay.'

Clients? Oh yeah…

'Tamaki and Hikaru seem to be in the same mental state you are, and their clients are walking, too. We're nowhere near our target for today.' He sighed loudly. Kyoya sounded very scary when he sighed.

'I'm sorry… Kyoya…'

He left me, rubbing his temple, without saying a word. He reached Tamaki and tapped him on the head too, though a lot harder. Tamaki actually looked ashamed as he was being chastised by Kyoya. Tamaki interrupted him and whispered something, something that made Kyoya's eyes widen. I hadn't thought that was possible. Kyoya then glared at Hikaru, then me, then back to Hikaru, then back to me again.

His sighs were nothing compared to the weight of his gaze. I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd turned into a little Haruhi puddle on the floor.

I was still looking at him, waiting for him to come over and slap me, when Tamaki turned to look at me too. He looked at me as if I were a memory, reachable only in his mind. I wanted to run to him, pour out my heart to him, have him hold me and tell me it was going to be alright.

As if reading my thoughts, he stood up suddenly.

His face looked so pained and his eyes were shining.

I would've run to him then and there, and everything would've been alright, but a chair screeched against the tiled floor on the other side of the room, halting me.

Hikaru stood up too.

He looked from me to Tamaki, from Tamaki to me, just as Kyoya was doing earlier. He looked at me differently though, as if he was judging whether or not I was safe, and whether or not Tamaki was a threat.

Then Kaoru joined in, looking to see what had gotten his brother's attention. He looked at me questioningly, wondering what the hell I'd done to corrupt his dear brother like this.

I thought this was awful enough, then the third music room went completely silent, and _everyone's_ head turned in my direction to see what all the fuss was about.

I couldn't deal with this.

If things carried on like this the host club would be completely screwed up.

_All because of me._


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: I'm so sorry that this chapter came so late! I kept writing crap that would have been shameful to publish :P  
**_

* * *

**Chapter Six**

* * *

_**Tamaki**_

Kyoya eyed me carefully before I bolted.

He was my best friend, but he had no idea how I was feeling. He couldn't possibly understand. This was becoming stupid, almost like a game. Only a moment after my feet hit the ground, another pair joined mine. I didn't have to look back to see who.

I glanced at a window and saw rain, and for Haruhi's sake, I desperately hoped that there wouldn't be another thunderstorm. _I wonder if she was okay in that last one we had… I didn't run after her that time…_

I wouldn't make that mistake again.

I was slamming Ouran's heavy doors open and tearing down its polished hallways. The fact that I could push through the heavy doors so easily just demonstrated how determined I was, and I thought about swinging them shut behind me to slow Hikaru down, but that would only slow me down too.

* * *

_**Hikaru**_

Surely we should have caught up with her by now; she was never very athletic at the best of times.

Tamaki was still in front of me, but the gap was closing. My body was working so hard just to keep up with him that my mind forgot what I was running for in the first place.

_Haruhi… I'm running for Haruhi… I can't let her down…_

I managed to make the gap between me and Tamaki small enough that I 'accidentally' stepped on his heels and tripped him up. Because of the immense speed we were going at he immediately lost balance and face-planted on the tiled flooring. He created a colossal smack as his body hit the ground before screeching a little on from momentum before all noise of a second person ceased.

_Ouch._

I almost felt bad for him, and almost, _almost_, turned round to help him up. But I didn't want to. My mind was preventing me from doing such a thing. Clearly it didn't trust Tamaki anymore. Whether that was reversible or not, only time would tell.

As I was quickly approaching Ouran's main entrance, I for some reason thought of Kaoru, maybe because we only ever went through these doors together. I hadn't really spoken to him much lately; I wondered how he was doing. _A lot better than me_, I thought. He was always the calm one.

I burst through the entrance and when I got outside I noticed for the first time that it was raining. My body was already drenched from sweat so the rain didn't bother me, though I did wonder if Haruhi got out of it in time.

Breathing like there was no tomorrow, I scanned the area, my wet hair whipping against my face with each turn. Clearly, she wasn't here. Either she'd already left, or she was in a different classroom and still at school.

_Or she left though a different entrance…_

Damn this huge school.

Puddles splashed behind me and I whipped around to see Tamaki staggering. _Ha, I'd laugh if he fell into one of those puddles…_

He was panting heavier than I was and didn't have a very nice look on his face. Not counting his new scrapes and scratches, of course. That was my doing, and I couldn't help the smirk that grew on my face.

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I couldn't see where I was going, and the rain didn't help.

My cheap black shoes were getting soaked and I cringed every time my feet squelched on the pavement. Obviously I wasn't going to leave via the school's main entrance and cause a scene - I went through a fire exit off one of the hallways. Ouran's size had its advantages at times like this.

A horn made me flinch and I was standing in the middle of a road with two ridiculously bright lights shining my way. The driver of the car was making a shooing motion with his hand out the window so I kept on running, forgetting to apologise.

I could feel the small spark of adrenaline the sudden fright gave me and I knew what I wanted, what I _had_ to do.

It was weird wanting something but not actually knowing why. Once I was inside my apartment I threw my blazer somewhere and had a brief flashback of entering my apartment the last time it rained. What was really weird though was a sense of excitement I felt, or was that just adrenaline? I didn't know – I'd probably never felt real adrenaline before and was only guessing here.

I went into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me, enjoying the loud noise of destruction it made. I then rolled up my white school shirt, revealing the plasters that covered my left arm. Gingerly I peeled back one of them to reveal a red-brown line that was scabbing over. It ached a little, but not a lot and it was a good sort of ache like the kind you get after stretching your muscles or something. The cut didn't look too deep so I slowly peeled off all the plasters and rolled my shirt back down. It would heal soon.

Did I want it to heal?

Surprisingly, I couldn't answer my question. I was almost pleased to see my arm in such a state. _But why?_

I couldn't remember, but I knew what I did remember.

_What did I remember?_

I remembered the red. The beautiful red. Just then, I remembered nothing but the red and the feeling it gave me.

The tiles on the bathroom floor swirled in my vision. I think I was crying again. I put my hand to my head as if to steady it. When my fingers came away I saw that flakes of brown dotted the tips. My head suddenly started to ache and then the ache turned into a horrific pain. I felt the back of my head again and this time the brown was red, liquid red.

'_Tamaki and Hikaru seem to be in the same mental state you are, and their clients are walking, too…'_

I nearly fell over when I bent down to open the cabinets to find some pain killers. I wasn't steady enough just crouching so I sat properly and rummaged through the inside shelves. As I did so there was a continuous clattering coming from my hands. Everything I touched seemed to suddenly drop downwards, whichever way that was.

_If things carried on like this the host club would be completely screwed up…_

I found a small white cylindrical container and took it in my shaking hand. It was such an effort to pop the little lid off that I was immensely disappointed when there was nothing inside.

_All because of me…_

I threw the plastic across the room and it hit the wall, cracking in the process.

Around me there were other various 'throwable' items as if they'd been sprinkled like confetti around me. I picked up one of the confetti and threw it to the wall. It exploded and engulfed the room in a smell which hurt my nose.

I did it again and again and each time I did it, more things seemed to break. Different coloured plastic was flying off in every direction and each throw was like a firework.

Finally, I grew bored of my game. I threw one last object. It happened to be one of my razors. I threw it with the last bit of strength my arm seemed to have and it completely shattered, defenceless against the hard tiles of the bathroom. Pink plastic burst from the collision like shrapnel and scratched my skin where it hit me.

Because I only used cheap disposable razors it was completely destroyed, each piece adding to the plastic graveyard. Not all of it was plastic though.

An element of the razor glinted in the light and I crawled over to it, enjoying the feel of destruction on my hands and knees.

I picked up the tiny blade.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

_**Hikaru**_

Tamaki knew she was gone, and his face turned to one of utter defeat. He didn't look angry or even annoyed as he held one of his aching arms. The smirk left my face.

More splashing soon came and the other club members rushed out to us, even Kyoya though he looked like he wanted to murder me.

'Why do you always have to cause trouble?' Tamaki spoke quietly looking at the ground. Only me and Kyoya noticed the hint of anger in his voice, and it was growing.

'Remember the reputation of the host club, Tamaki…' Kyoya warned him.

I looked at the other three, one of which was my twin brother. Kaoru's eyes were pleading, pleading with me to stop this. He thought this was all my fault, too. They all did.

I spoke softly, not trying to hide the resentment in my voice, '_Me_ cause trouble? It's funny how you always blame me, when you're no different.'

His eyes widened.

'And because you're the host club's leader, everyone believes you. No one ever, _ever_ takes me seriously. Only Haruhi does. But you don't even let her do that, you're so protective of her, you're doing her more damage than good-'

'Don't… you… dare…' He said through clenched teeth.

'Always forcing her to be yours, not caring about what she wants…'

Kyoya put his hand on Tamaki's shoulder and he violently shook it off. His eyes met mine and I saw his rage surface. If it was possible, he looked even more furious than he did when we were in the church.

'Don't you _dare_ insinuate that I don't care about Haruhi. DON'T YOU _DARE_!' He strode over to me so his face was all I could see and I could taste his breath.

'Hikaru. Stop this now.' Kyoya told me firmly. Since when was it his business?

'It's true and you know it. You don't care about her or anyone else, for that matter. You just prance around all day expecting everyone to do what you want, when you want.'

Tamaki completely ignored my comment and said, 'You're one to talk about forcing people into things. What was it you were doing in Karuizawa?'

'More than you'll ever do-'

Tamaki pushed me and raised one arm up to hit me when everyone appeared from nowhere and exploded into action. Kyoya restrained him whilst Mori took my arms. Honey was wailing something unintelligible and Kaoru had tears streaming down his cheeks. Me and Tamaki were struggling against our restraints and I thought how surprisingly strong Kyoya was.

'_You bastard!_' Tamaki shouted, his eyes turning shiny.

'Tamaki! Control yourself!' Kyoya was shouting now too, clearly fighting to keep control of himself. I think he wanted to punch me just as much as Tamaki did. '_Hikaru!,_' he turned to me, 'just leave him _alone_. Tamaki and Haruhi are obviously together and by acting as you are you're just ruining everyone's lives for your own entertainment.'

'_Shut up!'_ I spat at him.

'_No, Kyoya!_ Anyone who hurts Haruhi deserves to pay!'

'I DID NOT hurt her!'

'_BULLSHIT!_ I know what I saw!' He screamed at me, and beneath the anger I saw the hurt. I felt the hurt. The hurt was killing us both but we couldn't stop._ Is this really what love is like?_

'You saw fucking _nothing_ so don't you fucking _dare_ go making up _shit_!' I was screaming too and my vision was blurring. No, no _way_ was I crying. This bastard didn't deserve my tears.

I broke from Mori's grip somehow, or maybe he was just too shocked to concentrate, burning with fury and simultaneously Tamaki did the same from his restraint. We met with a crash, grabbing each other's clothes, ripping them apart and there were several sounds of skin smacking skin when I felt something cold and hard break on my knuckles. The sound of glass shattering stopped us.

Everything was silent until I heard Kaoru sobbing, I knew he was trying his best to control his tears, to not get in the way, and it was killing me. He didn't even dare to help his own twin brother because he was so scared of me.

Kyoya bent down and picked up his broken glasses. _Oh shit._ I'd punched him _in the face_. Never in my life had I been more terrified of my consequences. But this… this was Kyoya Otori…

He didn't put his glasses back on. Instead, he looked at me as if I was a piece of dirt and threw his glasses into a puddle. He put his hands in his pockets, turned around, and walked away.

'What the… What's gotten into you, Hikaru?' Tamaki looked upset, like I was his pet that had been disloyal to its owner.

'Me? Why am I always the bad guy? I love her just as much as you do.' I spoke calmly. I was tired. I just wanted Haruhi and for all this shit to end.

* * *

_**Tamaki**_

I didn't believe his words for a second. Oh, he loved her did he? There's a difference between loving someone and wanting someone. Hikaru looked tired, defeated, and walked away in his ripped clothes, not bothering to avoid puddles.

_Was I really so forceful that I ripped his clothes like that?_

I looked down at my own uniform and saw that mine were in the same state. I guess we were both as bad as each other. Except Hikaru was worse, of course.

I was suddenly thankful that Haruhi didn't see me like that… then I thought back to the church and realised that she already had. Did she think I was a monster? No, Hikaru was the monster. He punched Kyoya.

_Kyoya._

_Where was he?_

I ran to the direction he left in, hoping to catch him before his limo came. I didn't have to run very far before I found him sat on a bench, smoothing down the creases in his uniform.

'Kyoya!' I ran to him and stood in front of him. He calmly got up when I called his name. 'Kyoya! Are you alright? I'll get that bastard…'

'Don't bother, Tamaki.' He sighed as if I was telling him about a new cosplay idea for the club. 'Don't do anything rash or you could damage the host club even more than it already has been.'

'But he… he hit you!'

'Let it go, Tamaki. _Mommy's_ alright.'

'What? Kyoya don't talk like that, I'm being serious!' Was that a hint of a smile I saw? Is this all just entertainment to him?

'I know you are, and so am I when I say to not do anything rash. What do you think clients would have thought if they'd seen you and Hikaru today, hmm? Do you think they would like you as hosts anymore? I think not. The host club is your pride and joy, Tamaki. I would hate to see you destroy something you loved so much.' And with that, Kyoya left me. Not once did he turn his head back to look at me, but I watched him all the way.

He was right; I loved the host club so much.

But I loved Haruhi more.

* * *

_**Hikaru**_

Kaoru didn't come home that night.

All he left me was a text saying that he and Mori were staying over at Honey's place. He didn't tell me how long for. I wasn't surprised, yet at any other time it would have been an unthinkable thing to do.

Without Kaoru at home… home wasn't home at all. We were always together; I don't think we've ever, _ever_ been separated like this. Mother knew something was up when Kaoru didn't come home with me yesterday. I didn't give her an answer – I just shrugged her off and told her I was ill and then went to bed. Alone.

I wondered how Haruhi was, if she ever felt alone like this. Maybe I should go see her, if I really did love her I should. But what if she doesn't love me back? My chest hurt. I hurt.

As I thought over my actions I realised we were all hurting. Me and Tamaki really were destroying the host club.

* * *

**_A/N: I'm really sorry it took this long to upload this, eesh! Anyway, there's quite a few more chapters after this (I have it all planned out, hehe :P) So hopefully now that I've finished school, I can write more often._**


	8. Chapter 8

**Warning: Contains minor detailed self-harm. May be triggering.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I entered the school trying not to break down at what I was about to do. I had planned it last night after I'd calmed down. I knew things couldn't carry on the way they were going, so I just had to end it. For everyone's sake.

For the Host Club's sake.

But when I reached the third music room, my heart sank. Nothing was different, apart from a small sign stuck to the double doors:

'_The Host Club is closed.'_

That was it.

I really had destroyed the Host Club. It was in writing.

The sign might as well have had my name on it. Girls in their yellow dresses were forming crowds in front of the door and I watched as each perfect, gentle face turned to horror, shock and confusion.

'What… _what?_ No explanation?'

'Is that it?'

'Oh no! What happened?'

'The Host Club closed!'

'What?'

Then they spotted me.

'Haruhi! Why… what happened? _Why is this happening?_'

'Maybe that's why they aren't here.'

'Who? Oh right, you mean Kyoya?'

'Yeah, Hikaru's not here either.'

'Maybe he's just ill.'

I made my way out of the crowd and spotted Kaoru walking down the hall. 'Kaoru!' I shouted. Right then he was like a breath of fresh air; the only person I could talk to normally. It felt like I hadn't seen him in so long, like he was my long lost sibling and we were finally being reunited since our parents had divorced and separated us.

He turned to face me and he didn't look well at all. His eyes were pink and had dark circles under them. Seriously… what the heck was going on?

'Kaoru… are you okay?' I asked timidly, goodness knows how he's been holding up.

He tried to smile for me, though he looked too upset for it to mean anything, 'Yeah, sure. What's up?'

'A lot of things, I guess. What… what happened to the Host Club?'

'Kyoya closed it.' He spoke with no emotion. I would've asked why, but Kaoru didn't look like he wanted to tell me. I knew the reason anyway. I saw the reason everyday when I looked in the mirror.

'Oh. So… um… is that why he isn't here today?' Though I didn't see this as a reason why Kyoya would be off school.

'Uh…' he looked uneasy, like he was keeping something from me… was I missing something? Is this all because of yesterday at the club? Or maybe something else happened… 'Yeah. Kyoya just didn't want to come in.'

'What about Hikaru?'

Kaoru looked at the floor and hunched his shoulders, 'I… don't know. Me and Mori-Senpai stayed over at Honey's last night.' He sounded like he was really trying not to collapse into tears.

I couldn't think of anything to say to that. He started to turn when I instinctively grabbed his wrist. I knew that Kaoru was the more sensitive one and it really hurt to see him so upset. He wasn't even involved in this. And now he and his brother are… are they avoiding each other?

I didn't want to cry so I threw myself into Kaoru and buried my face in his chest so he couldn't see it overflowing with guilt. We stayed like that for a while, not caring whether people were staring or not, and just comforted each other. He bent down to put his head on my shoulder and rested it there. I felt my shoulder dampen.

He whispered, 'The Host Club's going to be fixed, right Haruhi?'

The amount of hope in his voice was heartbreaking. I think what he was really asking was if he was going to get his brother back.

'Don't worry, Kaoru… I'll fix it. I'm sorry.' I whispered back. Then I ran before he could ask me what I was apologising for. Kaoru didn't deserve this, none of them did. I was going to fix everything. _Everything would be okay._

I reached Tamaki's classroom and poked my head round the door to see him. I expected he'd be amongst a circle of girls, especially now that the club's closed. _Oh God, how must he feel about that? _But he was sat on one of the window ledges, gazing out of it. I saw his face reflected in the glass and his eyes were dead, mourning.

The room was already silent so I didn't need to speak very loudly. 'Um… Senpai? Can I talk to you?'

He slowly walked over to me, but smiled when he reached me, and said, 'Sure.' He looked down at me as if I was _his_ breath of fresh air, as if I was the only thing he could smile at anymore.

I tried to smile for him too, although I knew that in a few moments I was going to absolutely destroy him. He'd never smile for me again after today. I knew it was for the best, though, and I held his hand as we walked through an opening into a small courtyard so we could have some privacy.

He stared at me and I stared at a small water feature for a while before either of us spoke.

'So… is there something wrong, Haruhi? Is this about the Host Club?' He didn't sound confident at all, he sounded… weary.

'No, it's not. I… I have to tell you something.'

'You can tell me anything, Haruhi.' His voice was so warm, like it was a thousand hugs all on its own. I wanted to run to him, for everything to go back to the way it was, where we could laugh and eat fancy tuna and go to the beach and go skiing and tease each other and just be ourselves. I started shaking so I balled up my fists and looked at the ground. I couldn't say this whilst looking at his face, the face I've looked at for so long.

A tear slowly slid down my cheek.

'Haruhi… what's wrong?' He made his way towards me and held his arms out, 'Come here, everything's going to be-'

'No!' He froze. 'Tamaki I… I don't love you.'

He didn't say anything.

'I mean… we don't love each other… anymore. So you can forget about me, okay?'

'Did Hikaru tell you to say that?'

Now he was the one looking at the floor as I looked up at him. 'What? No, of course he didn't. I'm the one saying it. I don't love you anymore Senpai so… so you and Hikaru don't need to fight anymore...'

'You're just saying that, aren't you? Just to make us stop fighting? I know you don't mean it, Haruhi. I can tell.' I saw drops fall from his face beneath his golden hair. He was shaking his head; he didn't want to believe my words.

But I had to make him believe, I had to. 'No it's true! I don't love you, you've changed and I don't like you anymore! The host club is ruined and it's all your fault for being an idiot so just… just leave me alone from now on, okay?' My voice rose but my words were slurring together. I couldn't do this, it was too much.

He took a step back. 'Haruhi, stop lying! If anyone's ruined the club it's Hikaru! He's the reason Kyoya cancelled it! And I let him cancel it because I love you and I didn't want you to get stressed and hurt and-'

'_I'm not lying!_ And don't blame it on Hikaru, you two are exactly the same! Throwing away the Host Club is just _stupid_, especially over me, because I know you don't love me so don't pretend that you do.' I tried my best to glare at him, to make it convincing, but it was so hard when everything looked blurry.

I didn't know what to do after that. We just looked at each other.

Then he grabbed my shoulders and looked at me desperately.

He believed me.

'Haruhi, me and Hikaru are nothing alike! And _don't_ say that I don't love you because you know I do, whereas Hikaru just wants to own you. I'm different, I care about you!'

'You have a funny way of showing it.' Just saying these words made my mouth feel dirty.

'I can't believe what you're saying.'

'No, _I_ can't believe what _you're_ saying. Hikaru is one of your best friends and you talk about him like he means _nothing_ to you. That just shows how little you care about other people.' We were both still crying. His grip on my shoulders tightened, not in a forceful way, but as if I would disappear at any moment.

'Why do you keep defending him? If you like him more just say it! Is that what this is about?' He yelled at me.

I couldn't control myself any longer and cried freely, my voice shouting each sob. I didn't correct him though.

'Well, is it? Haruhi, if you love Hikaru more than me, just say it.'

I pressed my face against his chest, trying to remember his smell, how he felt, before I lost it all. He didn't seem to care that his uniform was getting wet.

'Haruhi… just say it… _you're killing me!_'

'What about how _I_ feel? All it is now is just _Hikaru_ this, _Hikaru_ that. _You act like you don't give a crap about me!_' I wasn't sure if he understood or if it just came out as a big snotty mess. I was coughing and crying and my chest was exploding. I kept telling myself that it was needed, that this was for the best. I needed to push him over the edge for this to work. But what I really needed was him.

'I'm not the only one.'

* * *

_**Tamaki**_

My chest was getting soaked with Haruhi's tears as I fought to control mine. She shook with each sob, and I wanted to hold her properly, instead of just gripping her shoulders like a child. But it was clear… she's chosen Hikaru… otherwise she wouldn't be this upset with me.

'Haruhi… I thought it would always be the two of us… we were supposed to stay together… that's what should happen… _Do you know how much I gave up for you?_'

Haruhi looked at me. Her face was a mess but I didn't care. She didn't love me anymore… what was there to care about? I was angry now.

'How do you think my family reacted when I told them I was in love with a commoner?' I hadn't called her that in so long. It didn't feel like it was her I was talking to anymore. 'And now suddenly you've changed your mind _just like that?_'

'Tamaki-Senpai…' She struggled with each syllable. Then she wrapped her arms around me as tight as she could, I could feel her trying with all her strength, but she wasn't very strong. She'd chosen Hikaru… what is she doing? I needed to leave. Hikaru probably already knows that she's chosen him; he's probably laughing at me right now.

I tried to turn around in the direction of the doorway but she still held me, eyes shut, head pressed against my chest. I silently started crying again. She said she didn't love me so… why is she holding on so tight? What is she trying to tell me?

'Haruhi, what are you doing? Let go.'

'…No.' I don't know whether I imagined it, but I probably did. I still loved her, no matter what she said. Why… why was everything changing all of a sudden?

_Hikaru._

_The one that she chose over me._

I took her arms off me using a little more strength than I needed to, pushing her back a little, and stepped away from her.

'Goodbye, Haruhi.' I didn't look back as I walked away from her, in case my mind changed. I could hear her sobbing and wailing as I left and thought to myself that I'd never heard her like that before.

* * *

_**Haruhi**_

I ran home before anyone else could see me. Everything these days was just running, crying, then running again. I was sick of running.

At least it wasn't raining, not that it mattered from how wet my face was.

I'd cleaned the bathroom before Dad got home yesterday, which meant that I threw everything away. I bent over the toilet. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throw up everything inside of me.

Tamaki was gone forever. I'd lost him. I kept telling myself that now everything would be okay, that the Host Club could go back to normal, before I even came to Ouran, before I messed everything up.

I had no idea why I needed to do this, I just needed it. I needed to hurt myself – I deserved it for being such a horrible person and destroying so many things. Tamaki built the Host Club and put so much effort into it, everyone did.

Now it was gone.

How did things get this screwed up?

I was almost confident about hurting myself, I'd done it so many times now, it just felt like an everyday thing. I was surprised at how calm I was though - the room wasn't spinning, and I'd stopped crying. Was I just numb again?

'_Haruhi… just say it… you're killing me!'_

Tamaki would be alright. I wouldn't hurt him anymore.

I took out another one of my razors and didn't bother smashing it. I would take all the hurt away from him. I would hurt myself instead. Then everything would be okay.

My thighs already had several cuts on them and I didn't want to go any lower, otherwise people would see them when I wore a skirt or something. I didn't want to cut my arms either. I was running out of skin.

I didn't look at myself as I took off my uniform and just cut. Cut anywhere and everywhere. I cut for what I'd done. I cut for losing Tamaki.

Oh God… I knew I had to do the same to Hikaru.

Otherwise it wouldn't work properly, they couldn't make up unless I saved both of them. I needed to save him. Save him from me and from himself, so Kaoru could have his brother back.

_Sixteen years of brotherly love and I destroyed it in a few days…_

I cut deeper.

I cried again. Was I crying from pain?

_However many years of effort building the Host Club… I destroyed that in a few days too…_

I ached in places I don't even remember cutting. It was so maddening. My life and the people in it were crumbling around me yet, as I looked down at myself, I was completely fine. It frustrated me. I pushed the blade firmer and finally started to feel some pain. It felt right, like my body matched my life for once.

_Tamaki was gone…_

I'd never hurt him again, he didn't deserve to be hurt. He was so good and kind and made everyone happy.

Unlike me.

So I'll fix everything.


End file.
